It's Different... and I Hate It!

Yes, I know, "hate" is such a strong word; one that we were not even allowed to say growing up, but guess what? 
I'm an adult now... and that's just how I feel!  I'm keepin' it real - this is my blog and this is what I'm going through.
I'm really disappointed... and would even classify my feelings of being so upset that I would use the word "hate" to describe the differences between Kensley's and itty bitty's pregnancies.

I totally LOVED being pregnant with Kensley; I felt wonderful, ate nutritiously, exercised regularly, even thought I looked okay most days.

I guess, looking back, I expected this pregnancy, to be just as magical as our first... but it isn't feeling as special... and I hate that; I don't want our second child to feel like second-best.

This pregnancy has just been SO different.  People have recently told me (no one thought to enlighten me before we got pregnant) that every pregnancy is different.

Okay, I won't lie.

Even if someone had tried to warn me, I would have thought that the pregnancies would be different due to the different place that life had led us, and sure, I should have expected to be more tired, since I'm chasing a toddler this time around... but still... things are so different.

Feelings: I don't feel great. Thankfully, I do feel a world better than I did a few weeks ago, but I guess the emotional struggle after losing the last baby has taken a bigger toll on me than I expected, becoming pregnant again so quickly, fearing that we would lose itty bitty, dealing with unnecessary drama in others lives... I just didn't expect to feel so overwhelmed!

Nutrition: This pregnancy is so different in the fact that when I was pregnant with Kensley, I craved healthy food, such as watermelon, raspberries, steak, etc. and would only eat beneficial food. With this pregnancy, I don't crave anything nutritious. I swear {although I don't} that itty bitty is growing on Starburst jelly beans, Sweedish Fish, mini candy bars, and Oreo cookies... NOT ideally what you grow a baby on.. and is actually embarrassing to even admit it.

Exercise: Are you kidding? Where is that time going to come from? We don't have childcare at our local gym, and although we were promised some babysitting help from some certain family members, a year and a half later, it has yet to happen, so there's no need to count on that. The weather, up until the past few days, has been dreary and I just don't feel like exercising. Horrible, I know, I'm going to balloon up out of control... I just know it!

Appearance:  No, I don't really feel pregnant; after checking out a few other women around town, I've come to the realization that 99% of females in our state have a bigger "pouch" than I do - so instead of looking like I have a baby bump... I am just fitting in with everyone else!  And don't even get me started on the pregnancy glow!  Totally overrated, I tell ya, or at least at this stage, I look like a 16 year old sporting the dreaded "pizza face".  With that being said, my complexion is less than desirable, and my hair just seems greasy and stringy, no matter how short I cut it!

Now, I don't want to come across as ungrateful; we prayed for itty bitty and I couldn't be more excited for their arrival, I'm merely disappointed that things aren't the same as they were the first go around. We have been surrounded by a wonderful support group; people who have totally stopped their lives to help us, and I feel bad that I haven't come across as more appreciative.

I feel lazy, I feel fat, I feel unorganized, I feel exhausted,
I feel unprepared, I feel unmotivated, I feel different... and I hate it!

P.S. I promise my next post will be more postive, but I don't post to see what other's think; this is my online diary, I do it for me... and this is how I'm feeling.


Corey said...

Ok... here's the thing. 1) I think you're having a boy. 2) don't you think that th reason you feel so different is because of how different your life is now than when you were preg with Kensley? I mean you have a toddler running around keeping you busy, before you could lounge and relax and do wathever you felt like. Not the case anymore... so maybe that's part of the problem. You should have your energy back soon so maybe that and the spring weather will help! I wouldn't blame it on that little boy, I'd blame it on life changes :)

Lateshia said...

Oh honey. I sure do love ya. I totally understand that they are different. I hope that you are able to RELAX and try to enjoy this pregnancy as much as you can. I am here for you. I have done it...three times in three years, so I know how you feel!!

☆Sara☆ said...

CaS! Dont be so hard on yourself, i dont mention this to many people but I felt the same way the second time around! First of all I felt like crap and had to get up and take care of my first child! Like your friend Corey said, its always harder the second round cuz you are already a parent! The first time, ignorance really is bliss =) Secondly, I was fully convinced that I was betraying Aidrik, that there was NO WAY I could love another baby as much as him and that I would never be as close to this second baby as I was to my little A! I couldnt have been further from the truth! It is completely normal to have all these thoughts and emotions and its ok to not LOVE being prego! You will Love itty bitty!!